The Importance of Deep Listening

It sounds like such an easy thing to do. “Just listen.” Everyone thinks they are a good listener, but it is among the hardest things that couples do well. When we are having a difficult conversation with our partner often times we do everything but truly listen. We get triggered and we react. We defend ourselves. We hear two sentences and drop into fix it mode. We give unsolicited advice. We interrupt to correct a point. We might remain quite yet our mind is active with what we are going to say just as soon as there is a slight pause — then we jump in with every reason why or why not.

What we need to do but often don’t do is remain quite and focused. Keep your attention fixed on your partner. Make eye contact. Dont be looking at your phone or waving to a friend. Stay tuned in to your partner. What they are saying is important so act as if. Do not interrupt. Hold your comments until they are finished. Ask if they are finished and then try to repeat what you heard. They will correct you if you got it wrong. Try to find areas of agreement and commonality. Validate their point of view.

You may not fully agree with what they are saying but it is of utmost importance to try to understand where they are coming from and why they feel the way they do.

This is a connected conversation. This is deep listening. This is where all the good stuff happens between a couple. It feels good to be heard — your partner will turn to you will turn again and again if you can show up like this for them — and they will learn to show up in this way for you. So… Practice. Practice. Practice.