Discernment Counseling

Serving Westport, New Canaan, Darien, and Greenwich, CT and all surrounding areas

Discernment Counseling is a new way of helping couples where one person is “leaning out” of the relationship — and not sure that regular marriage counseling would help — and the other is “leaning in” — that is, interested in rebuilding the marriage.

As a Certified Discernment Counselor, I will help you decide whether to try to restore your marriage to health, move toward divorce, or take a time out and decide later. 

The goal is for you to gain clarity and confidence about a direction, based on a deeper understanding of the relationship and its possibilities for the future.

What is Discernment Counseling?

Discernment Counseling is a highly specialized protocol for “mixed-agenda” couples – where one partner wants to preserve and repair the relationship and the other is leaning towards ending it. Discernment Counseling enables couples to look clearly at their options before making a final decision about divorce.

Surveys find that up to 40% of divorced partners have regrets about their divorce decision, often because they feel they (and their partner) did not try hard enough to make the marriage work. Couples who go through discernment counseling most often come out the other end more settled and confident about their next steps, whether to make one, last, all out effort in couple’s therapy to restore their marriage to health, or to move forward with divorce. 

What couples can expect to gain

  • Clarity and confidence about next steps for their relationship

  • A deeper understanding of what has happened to the relationship

  • A deeper understanding of each person’s contributions to the problems

“This new type of counseling for couples where one wants to leave and the other wants to stay was exactly what we needed to make a breakthrough. We had been in couples therapy for years and our resentments just grew and grew. We were both so unhappy — caught in an awful cycle of fighting or ignoring one another. Jayne helped us to identify our individual negative roles in the relationship. She showed us how to stop our dysfunctional patterns. We are currently faced with the decision to stay and work or leave the marriage as more understanding friends. For now we are committed to staying and working with Jayne.”
— Robert M.

What Discernment Counseling Looks Like

Discernment Counseling is NOT couples therapy and differs from regular marriage counseling in three important ways: a) the goal is not to solve the problems in the relationship, but to determine if the problems can be solved; b) the process involves mainly individual conversations with each partner, since they have different needs and agenda with a focus on taking responsibility; c) it is always short term.

The counseling focuses on three paths: ending the relationship via divorce, carving out a six month period of time for an all out effort in couples counseling (and sometimes other services) to preserve the marriage/relationship, or staying the course and deciding later. 

The sessions involve mainly individual conversations with the discernment counselor, along with sharing about what each partner is learning in these conversations. The therapist helps both partners to see their individual contributions to the problems and the possible solutions. Understanding one’s own contributions to the problems can be important to the success of future relationships even if this one ends. 

The Goal of Discernment Counseling

Discernment Counseling is considered successful when couples have clarity and confidence in their decision, and when they can more fully understand what has happened in their relationship.

Our research shows us that about ½ of the couples going through discernment chose the reconciliation path. A small fraction of couples choose to remain in a state of indecision while most of the other ½ proceed directly to divorce having carefully considered their options. 

Divorce lawyers tell us that these couples are calmer and the divorce process is smoother because of the deep work done in Discernment Counseling.

The benefits of discernment counseling are countless.

This approach meets couples in their unique “mixed-agenda” state, making it more effective than traditional couples therapy by honestly addressing the different starting points each partner brings. By directly focusing on the core issues in the relationship, it helps determine if they are resolvable and emphasizes understanding each partner’s role in both the challenges and potential solutions. With a maximum of five sessions, it’s designed to offer clarity quickly, and even if the marriage ends in divorce, the insights gained are helpful and useful for future relationships.

FAQs

  • The goal of discernment counseling is to help couples who are uncertain about the future of their relationship. It is designed to assist partners in gaining clarity and confidence on whether to work on the relationship or separate. Unlike traditional couples therapy, discernment counseling focuses on decision-making rather than solving relationship issues, offering a structured way for couples to reflect on their relationship and explore their options.

  • Discernment counseling is typically short-term, often consisting of 1-5 sessions. Each partner meets both individually and together with the therapist to discuss their feelings and perspectives. The therapist helps each person clarify their position—whether they lean towards saving the relationship or moving on—without pressure. The goal is to help the couple make an informed decision about their next steps, whether that’s pursuing couples therapy or ending the relationship amicably.

  • Discernment counseling can help couples who are on the brink of separation or divorce and are unsure if they want to continue the relationship. It’s particularly helpful when one partner is more inclined to end the relationship while the other wants to work on it. This type of counseling provides a neutral space to explore these conflicting desires and helps both partners feel heard while considering their options.

  • The effectiveness of discernment counseling depends on the couple’s willingness to engage in an open and honest dialogue about their relationship. While it’s not designed to fix relationship issues, it can be highly effective in helping couples make thoughtful decisions about their future. Many couples report feeling more clarity and less conflict after the process, as it helps both partners come to a mutual understanding of where the relationship stands.

Location

Based in Westport, CT, Jayne provides HIPPA Compliant Telehealth Services to clients across New Canaan, Westport, Darien, Greenwich and the surrounding area, to ensure convenient access to care from the comfort of your own home.

Email: info@jaynegottschalk.com

Phone: (203) 293-3900